Category Archives: Healing

Obama Traffic

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Unable to reach for the hand sanitizer in my purse, I sat motionless on the crowded bus, pinned between arms and thighs, staring at the sharp teeth of a Russian man’s zipper.  The 6 train stopped running.  Obama was stumping in midtown.  The fury of delayed travelers ascended 86th street, pushing against crowded busses, willing doors to open and bodies to crush onward.  Miraculously, I got a seat.  With the bus draped over us, we drove on, stronger than gasoline.

Jeffrey sat next to me.  He was one of the guys on the street pushing people and yelling and swearing, a mess of tweaky anger.  I wondered what would happen if I started talking to this guy.  When I introduced myself to him, Jeffrey brightened.  It’s been nearly four months since I talked to Jeffrey and then Jasmarie, and as I sink into that July afternoon, I sit in my apartment after a day inside a burgundy sweater, contextualizing those four months in between that bus ride and now with what has passed – the election, illusory love, the hurricane, a successful new project, an accordion player, rocking chairs, cable, a farm wedding, electric blue leggings, and love expanded. 

Back in July, Jeffrey was just leaving work, and was on his way home.  He works for a company called CEO – Center for Employment Opportunities. 

“The 6 train let me down,” Jeffrey said.

“Me, too – I’m running late,” I said.

“Yeah, where you going?”

“Therapy,” I said.

“Back therapy?”

“No, head.”

“Oh, head therapy.  That’s cool.  Everyone needs someone to talk to,” Jeffrey said.

Jeffrey is going home to Jamiaca, Queens.  He’s been there all his life.  I ask him about his neighborhood. 

“What’s it like in the hood?  It’s definitely different from anywhere else. It’s ongoing struggle in the neighborhood.  It’s kind of rough.  People can’t find jobs.  You got to survive so you’re going to do whatever it takes to survive.  I don’t regret anything.  I don’t regret my upbringing.  It was good.  It’s just the outside influences.  The streets.  The neighborhood.  Your friends.  Your neighbors.”

Jeffrey has an empty wine glass in his hands.  I ask, “Are you drinking some wine?” 

“It’s for my Hennesey later.” 

I have no idea what Hennesey is – “What is that?” I asked.

“It’s cognac.  Liquor.”

I told him that I don’t drink.

“That’s good.  But in my neighborhood you would.”  

A woman beside him laughs.  People are listening to us.  We are sitting on a bus. 

He says, “This is my nice little cup that someone gave me at the job.”

 “Oh, who gave it to you?” I asked.

“A friend,” he tells me.

“What’s your friend’s name?” I ask.

 “Rob.”

“Was that a gift?” I asked.

“He gave it to me.”

“That’s really nice of him.” I said.

“I guess you’re right.”

“Have you ever given him a gift?”

“I give him cigarettes,” he says.

“Are you ok that this bus is crowded because Obama’s in town?  How do you feel about Obama?” I asked.

“Obama’s cool with me and I’m cool with him.  I’ll give him my vote again.”

“What do you think about the state of the country?”

“Ain’t nothing happening that they don’t want to happen.  I’ll put it like that.  Everything for a reason.   It’s already been written.”

“What, if anything, would you like to see changed?” I asked.

“In America?  I’d like to see politicians keep their promises so when they say something they do it instead of just telling us.”

“How about you, do you make promises?”

“Only if I can keep it.  I don’t want to promise something I may not be able to give.”

“Yeah, it’s integrity.  Say you’re going to do something and then do it.” I offer.  “Can you tell me about when you were a kid?”

“You psychoanalyzing me?”

Jeffrey told me about his two brothers and one sister.  They all live in New York.  He sees his sister at least once a week.  She’s in the Bronx.  He sees his brother every day.

 “What does family mean to you?” I asked.

“Family’s everything. Family first.”

“When you were a little boy, where did you hang out, what did you do?”

“What stop is this?  60th?  Alright.  Right around the corner from my block they had a play street where they blocked the streets off and you could play skully.”

“Skully?”  I ask, perplexed.  I don’t think he’s referring to The X-Files.

“You put numbers on the square and you pluck numbers into the square.  First box, second box.  Thirteen boxes.  Hopscotch.  For about two blocks.  There was a lot of kids.”

“You must have met a woman eventually.” I probe.

“Melanie.”

“Where’d you meet Melanie?”

“I met Melanie in a Chinese restaurant.  I was standing there.  She was ordering.  I liked what I saw.  She had a baby with her.  I asked her if there was a husband to go with that family, and she said – no. I took her out for her birthday our first date.  Her birthday was March 7th.”

Jeffrey had two kids with Melanie. 

“I’m single now, by choice.  For me, it’s good to be single because I’m not ready for a commitment.  How is this interview going?” he asked.

“It’s going great.  Thank you.”

“At least you got something.”

“I did.”

She’s got a story to tell.”  He looks playfully at the woman who sat down at the other side of me – I think we both could tell that she’d been listening in..

“No I don’t actually,” she says.

Everyone’s got a story to tell,” Jeffrey says.

“I do have stories to tell,” she says

I asked her if we could talk, and she says – “Sure.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Jasmarie”

“I never heard that – it’s a beautiful name.” says Jeffrey

“That’s Jeffrey, and I’m Jessica,” I tell her.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To the end of the world,” she says.  Jeffrey laughs.  “I don’t know – wherever I can catch a train.  I’m supposed to be headed to Brooklyn.”

“What are you going to do there?” I asked.

“Just chill,” she says.

She looks at me.  “You’re funny.  I’ve been watching the questions you’ve been asking.  Have you taken psychology classes?”

“Yes.”

“I can tell.”

“Have you taken psychology classes?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” she says.

“What are you interested in?”

“Medical examining, poetry, and music,” she says.

I love this combination.  I ask Jasmarie what she writes. 

“I’m a revolutionary writer.” Jasmarie said.

Jeffrey runs out at 59th street.  As he runs out the door we yell back and forth how cool this was and where he can find my blog, and then he’s gone.

“When did you start writing poetry?” I asked Jasmarie.

“Long time ago.”

“How old are you?” I asked.

“19.”

“I was going to college but I dropped out because it was boring.”

“What was boring about it?”

“I don’t think they ever gave me the real liberty to think for myself.  They actually just trained me to think what they wanted me to think.  I don’t like that.  That’s not my kind of party.  Prior to you teaching me what you want me to know, I’ve already drawn a thousand conclusions.  I’m an observer.  I was listening to you and the way you asked questions was hilarious.  You entertain and then you break apart.”

I’m not used to people observing me.  I entertain?  Then I break apart?  I explain myself a little: “I want to get somewhere real with someone, and you can’t always get there with a stranger on the street or on a bus.  We’re all human, but we can block ourselves off in public spaces.  We can make people objects.” I said. 

Today I struggled on my subway ride home.  I didn’t like it when a woman who shared a pole with me let her leather jacket brush my arm from Fulton Street to 42nd Street.  I couldn’t move.  I vacillated between feeling angry at being treated like an expendable arm in someone’s way and thinking that we are beautiful spirits wearing jackets that sometimes touch each other.

Jasmarie says, “That’s funny that you say that because if you asked me a question about that, that’s what my answer would sound like.  I find these days that as I block myself from the world, the little interaction I do have with people is at a soul level, which is very strange.  When you open your eyes, you’ll be amazed by what you can hear and see.  When you get the facts of the conversation it’s better than listening to the bullshit all the time.  That’s what I’m reaching to.  I’ll tell you, all my friends – I don’t talk to them.  There’s nothing in common anymore.  When you start purifying yourself from the inside out, what they’re saying doesn’t make sense.”

“How are you purifying yourself?” I asked.

“Getting rid of the thoughts that used to plague me that added no value to my spirit.”

“Thoughts such as…”

“The media, the latest fashion, that kind of stuff.  I’ve been writing since I was really young.  Sometimes I didn’t understand the things that I wrote.  It was almost like I was a vessel for something greater and not until I got older did I start finding myself again within my own voice, which is crazy. I found that the truth that I was looking for – I knew it all along.”

“What are some of the things you write about?”

“The lies, deception, the mask that people put on.  Deficiencies that I see in other people.”

“Is it based on your personal experiences?”

“What I see, what I experience, what I learned, and mainly learning from what I used to be and now that I’ve let go of certain things.  I compare the two, and I find I’m more free when I don’t care what my hair looks like.  You know what I mean?  It’s little things.  You wake up and just be you.  If you is not good enough for the world – then so be it.  Even adults have to face that.  There’s so many people who want to keep up with the Jones’s.  It makes no sense to me.  I understand we live in a society where we have to work, but in my perfect world I would depend on barter and trade.  Because people use their talents and everybody’s happy.”

I like this idea of barter and trade.  I have thought hard about bartering pedicures with friends.

Jasmarie said, “If you give a child a coloring book, you teach him to conform.  If you give him a blank piece of paper, you give him endless possibilities.  That’s what I thought about.  My thing is – I love the medical field – but I still love art, all sorts of music, all sorts of art.  To be in a state of mind where you can produce things, do you know the value of that?  It makes me so happy.  I have a lot of friends who are poets and spoken word artists, and the formation of their words is just so amazing. How do they come up with things like this?  It just baffles me.”

“Do you feel like your family understands you?”

“Definitely.  You know there is always the black sheep.  The beauty of that is that you are the one who defies expectations.”

“Is that you?”

“All the time.  Ever since I can remember.  My aunt used to say – you know more than a pencil.  I don’t march to their beat at all.  Their beat is the same old sad song.  Conforming to the ways of people around them.  Trying to fit in.  Go along to get along.  I’m not like that.  They sit down and gossip.  They eat their lives away with unhealthy food.  I’m nothing like that.  It doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t feel right.  It doesn’t feel like it’s what I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m finding greater joy and peace in helping people.  I went to Florida.  I really went out there on a limb.  I had no family there. I took my suitcase, and I was like – I’m out, I don’t need to be here.  I received a call from a friend and they said I have family there and you can stay with them.  Cool. A week or two later I go to the beach, and I kinda took the wrong bus and ended up not in Miami Beach but elsewhere.  I go in front of McDonalds, and there’s this guy there, and you know how you get this feeling that you’re supposed to talk to someone – you have a message to give but you don’t know exactly what.  I started talking to him.  I knew he was homeless.  I hung out with him the whole day.  Hours prior when I did reach the beach, I was talking to God – I was like – I want a husband that’s good and all this other cute stuff that I was asking for.  So I was sitting in front of the McDonalds talking to this guy about  keeping his head up, and this Indian guy comes out of nowhere.  He’s like, ‘Eh, my friend.’  I was like, ‘Who are you?’  He’s like, ‘Do I know you?’  And I was like, ‘No.’  He says, ‘You’re from New York, right?’  I was like, ‘Yeah.’  And he just starts talking to me.  He says come here, I have something to tell you.  ‘Fortune teller, 20 dollars.’  I was like ‘I don’t have no money for you.’ So he says fine, he pulls me to the side and says, ‘You’re going to have a husband, and culture isn’t going to matter.  And one day you’re not going to work for anyone, someone is going to work for you.’  It’s funny because he almost answered all of the questions I had asked God earlier.  It served as confirmation that I was where I was supposed to be.  Now that I look back, I really honestly believe that the whole purpose for me going down there was just for that guy.  I bought him food. I spent the whole day with him.  When I left him in the nighttime, he looked at me with those don’t go eyes.  It was a lesson I learned to not only give without judgment, but to be open.  I could have told that Indian guy to go away.  It was almost as if he was looking for me. There’s no accidents.  You can’t tell me that certain things aren’t real.”

“What is your relationship with God?”

“God is everything that sounds, everything that is.  It is God, it is me, it is you, it’s all one thing.   We collectively as the people form the body of God.  That’s why it’s so important that we become one with each other as human beings, because once we create that body again, we would become an incredible force.  This society does the divide and conquer thing.  How can you divide something that is ultimately supposed to be together?  If you think of humans, they’re all DNA cells that multiply, rejuvenate, and die, and they come above again.  It’s really strange that we have to be so separate.  In my poems, I write that.  “I spend more time being you, speaking like him, and loving like her.”

“Can I take a picture of you?” I ask.

“Sure, let’s take a picture together.”

As we got up, eyes followed us out the door onto 14th Street.  We hugged.  I went to therapy.  Jasmarie sent me this, a piece she wrote:

This dedicated for the mentally medicated for those who abandoned the real meanin their hearts perpetrated this is for the faithful faithless for those whose hearts face is mutilated for those who ride on the back of hatred for those who forgot god consciousness and in the process defecated  on their soul with no redemption or feelings of disasterness,,, this is for spiritual strangulation for those whose mind lies in detention push down by this fake nation,,, for those whose  philosophy is such catastrophe wake up and see what u r doing to we.  the fumes you breathe hurt u emotionally so you become motionless full o stress to ur past u regress with many regrets. this is for those who buried their voice and instead synchronize with a technological demise that keeps them brain dead and doesn’t allow them to rise,,, this is for u, ur friend and that guy,,, please people open ur eyes….see you follow empty words or should I say killing swords that were only used by those who u crowned as lords…please people open your eyes sooner or later you will realize ur demise please my brother and my sister plse rise,, utilize the sacredness between ur brow it’s ur heaven to the truth open your books now,,, notes to take changes to make  the perfect ascension waiting at hand loose ends to mend can u over stand open ur eyes I’m sure you can I’m asking you to extend ur hand on behalf Of the fallen men

I love what Jasmarie shared with me.  We are writers.

 

 

 

 

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Tantric Love

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This morning every time I was upside down or arching back, I saw a pair of golden legs that I had never seen before. They were golden smooth muscular legs that soothed my gaze and entreated me to hug them tight to me. As I moved into down dog, then bridge, then plow, I hoped to see his golden face, but I could only see his legs in shoulder stand, shavasana, then…gone.

Is he still a stranger to me, considering we had no recognition or acknowledgement of each other? I have been practicing Mysore for over a year, breathing and looking at many of the same people over time. We create the sounds of the ocean in a room that heats up with our collective warmth. That feels intimate to me.

Yesterday my yoga teacher spoke about tantra – not in the way people generally associate it with – not tantric sex. The way he described it, it was about being present with the energy and support of other people. Being together.

I have a lot to learn about this. I found myself moving away from people this week. On Tuesday, a stranger asked me to get a hamburger with him at Shake Shack on 86th Street. His name was Peter. He was a photographer. He wore a hat. We started talking on the Barnes and Noble escalator after attending a mildly contentious book discussion on “The Profitable Artist”, by the New York Foundation for the Arts. There were some angry artists in the room. Pete and I were not angry; it’s not our style. He told me about his work. I told him about my creative projects, but I did not want to get into the details. I declined the hamburger. I have never eaten a hamburger; they don’t intrigue me. Also, I did not have the energy to talk to him. Furthermore, buns are unmentionables to me – that morning I had been diagnosed with Celiac.

That brings me to another stranger – my gastroenterologist. He was referred to me by my sister, who was diagnosed with Celiac a month before I was diagnosed. He is my age. He has a pleasant, low key, demeanor. I don’t know if he’s Jewish – but he looks like a guy I could have gone to Hebrew School with – good guy, nice, diligent, smart, familiar. A few days after my endoscopy (anesthesia, tube down throat, biopsy of intestines) my sister asked if I felt comfortable with him. While I would prefer to sing the Shehecheyanu with him rather having him put a tube down my throat, in the grand scope of things, I did feel comfortable with him. Like golden legs, and like Pete, he had a low key, mellow, easy going demeanor and I felt like he was someone who pays attention and does not rush. On the other hand, I am not so comfortable with him that I would want him to biopsy me from the other end.

Three strangers: a pair of legs, a hamburger-eating photographer, and a gastroenterologist who I imagine to be Jewish. What are these three people teaching me about connecting to others – and to myself? I don’t want to project too far into the future, but I’m fairly certain I will never feel comfortable wrapping my arms tightly around someone’s legs without having seen their face. I’d also like to rule out cuddle parties. If I’m not willing to cuddle with strangers, how comfortable am I to hug a friend’s legs? When am I comfortable and energized enough to tell a stranger about myself, and to listen to them? Sometimes I don’t feel like it, and that’s ok. But will I ever be open and willing to have an impromptu meal with a stranger on 86th Street between 3rd and Lex? Will I ever allow a mellow doctor who I fantasize about going to Hebrew School with give me a colonoscopy?

I am aware that the answers to these hypothetical thinking questions do not actually matter. What matters is being loving and squeezable with people I already love today.

Good Orderly Direction

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She wore a furry hat with ear flaps and stood still as her snack sized dogs sniffed 19th Street. I approached her.  I said – “I’m a writer, and I’m writing a blog about strangers – do you have time to talk?” 

It was 3:01pm on a Thursday afternoon.  She asked if I was a student. (No) She told me she was a writer – she had been a writer.  She was a journalist at People for 15 years, then Us Weekly, and before that she was a sportswriter. 

She left.  She got a dog.  She became a dog walker.  I like her instantly.  

She explained to me that when she started in her career, all she did was interview people, but as you go further up the ladder, other people do the interviews and you edit and write from their interviews. 

I wondered what an interviewer gets curious about.  I told her ”I was just walking around the East Village, and I thought – maybe I’ll run into Patti Smith.  What would I ask her?  The only thing that came to mind was – What kind of toothpaste does Patti Smith use?”

She said, “I often think, if I were to run into Lenny Kravitz or Keith Richards, what  would I say.  If Lenny Kravitz has to go to the 7-Eleven to buy some milk, does he have to put that whole getup on, because people expect him to look a certain way?  Or can he just go? Or does he have to get the boots, the earring, the beret?” 

I get it.  I think of a line from a Roethke poem – “Which I is I”?  Who are we when we are not creating ourselves for someone else?  Toothpaste is an equalizer. 

She says, “I don’t think I ever ran out of questions in interviews, although I would think about it before the interview.  I would spend 30-40 minutes before I talked to someone and think about it.  I’d ask about religion or their families.”

I ask her if she has a spiritual practice.

“I do.  I’m not sure about the God question, but for me, God stands for Good Orderly Direction.”

Kim is in AA.  ”My new thing is I really need to get down on my knees.   I just don’t do it.  I think it’s self will, but I find that so contrary to me.  Over this holiday, I thought, I should at least, even for a second, get down on my knees, just to acknowledge there’s something bigger than me.   The program for me – that’s an hour of checking in with myself and listening to other’s people’s voices instead of the ones in my head.”

I ask Kim how long she’s been in AA.

“I’ve been in AA off and on for 20 years, but actively for ten.  Maybe two and a half.  I’ve been at it for a while, and I don’t doubt that’s my place to be.  I was doing so well in my career, and it was easy for me to flip back into denial.  Then I would be fine until I wasn’t fine.”

I asked Kim if she has a sponsor.

“I’ve had like 5 sponsors, but the one I’m with now I got two and a half years ago.  I haven’t had a drink in ten or eleven years, but pills are hard for me.  I got this sponsor two and a half years ago – I’ve known her for ten years.  This time, I got a step person.   We work the steps.  I don’t need a best friend.  She does make me call her every day, which I kind of hate.  I don’t know if I’ll get to a meeting today.  I don’t know why I deprive myself because it really helps me.  I never not have a good time.”

She asks, “Do you want to walk to Petco with us?”  

I want to walk to Petco. 

I ask, “Before you found AA, what was your life like?”

It was successful and crazy busy.  I used booze in my 20s and 30s at night.  I used booze and sex to calm down at night.  If I didn’t drink I don’t think I would have made it through my 20s.  I was travelling, high flying, celebrityish.”

“I think I’m going to start another program.  I’ve lost 58 pounds but I’m not in the food program yet. I gave up sugar.  Over the holidays, I could not resist Christmas cookies.  I had a couple of slips in a row.  I had two boxes.  I ate a box both times.  I was at my mother’s house.  I don’t even try to control it because I know I’d eat it compulsively.  I talked to my sponsor about it.”

We are standing outside of Petco and a talk brunette with red lips stands by us as her dog checks out Kim C’s dogs.  We’re wrapping up the conversation, and I want her professional opinion of my interviewing skills, so I ask, “How was this interview?”

“I think you did fine.  The hardest part about interviewing is you have to sublimate yourself and not leap in.  But at the same time, you have to identify with the person, which you did.  You have an easy style.”

I told her I love to write.

“Keep doing it.”

I give her the address of my blog.

“The anonymity part, if you want to use everything in the interview, it’s fine. Just call me Kim C.  My whole life is an open book.”

She looks at the tall brunette with red lips and tells me, “This looks like someone you might want to interview.” She tells red lips, “She just interviewed me for her blog.  She’s a good interviewer.  She’s really nice. I’m going into Petco.  I’ll see you later, Jessica.”

I didn’t need to talk to red lips.  I got what I was looking for, and I believe it came from a power greater than me.  Today New York City rocked me like a porch swing.  Everywhere I went, I felt connected and alive.  I was humbled at my appointment on Varick Street. I felt human, and connected to the world.  I grazed Canal Street and some slow walking tourists.  I meandered through Soho and found purple knee high socks at Pearl River Mart.  At the Whole Foods on Houston I ate tomato soup, kale, and tofu, and sat near interesting looking mustaches and foreigners.  I played my future guitar and hummed along at Ludlow Guitars.  I walked down 1st Avenue and then made a left on 19th Street on my way to return a dress my sister gave me, and a woman ran after me imploring me to be careful, that my bag of purple socks fell on the sidewalk.  I ran into Kim C.  We connected.  After that, I watched the latest Twilight movie and had dinner with a friend.  Good Orderly Direction is all around us.  It is my job to notice it and be present to it.

Kim C. has a great idea for a book.